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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
REASON TO BE PROUD THAT YOU ARE THE BETTER HALF OF THE
HUMAN SPECIES!


1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from
her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she
loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.

2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but
even saying it to kids makes you the man.

3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks -
camp. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the
game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling
the man. Magic.

4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt,
is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a
sharpener, you think I can't whittle?

5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines
driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your
rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish -
noisy destruction.

6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table,
slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint
in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door,
saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone
else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard.

7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to
stir paint with.

8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife
wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good.
"Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds
have been partying they just whinge. You on the other
hand have physical evidence of your hardness,
sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does
it look like.

10. NODDING AT COPPERS - A moment's eye contact is all
it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've
not seen eye to eye in the past", it says, "but
someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".

11. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than
you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling
while smoking a ***? Superb.

12. KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR -
Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch that becks, I kick so hard I
set off car alarms.

13. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you.
It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your
mates are pissed. However, the rest of the pub doesn't
know that.

14. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist
issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork
scratchings.

15. CARVING THE ROAST - And saying "are you a leg or
breast man?" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing?"
to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.

16. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

17. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have
little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see
how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then,
we'll make do with the aisles.

18. TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its
for paying the plumber later but with that much cash
you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is
peeling notes off the roll later.

19. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike
birds, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep.
Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."

20. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. first time.
Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no
reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds
best driver.

21. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time,
men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why?
So, when it's over we can stand there in silence,
surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer
gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale.
Aaaah.

22. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU -
Especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off,
nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".

23. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips?
For that? Are you mad, bint?"

24. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - A visual code
that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge,
long man-sized poo.

25. CALLING YOUR MATE A c\_/ nt - And punching him on
the shoulder. Just a man's way of saying "you're a
good mate; I missed you while you were in hospital".

Women be envious,

( wait for it incoming ) :D
 
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