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Subject: Sightings


Subject: They Walk Among Us


IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: I live in a semi-rural area. We
recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative
office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The
reason:
"too many deer were being hit by cars" and he didn't want them to
cross there anymore. This one was from Kingman, KS.

_______________________________________________________

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell
and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for
"minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. And he was a Kansas City chef!

_______________________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate
when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your
baggage without your knowledge? To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
Happened in Birmingham, Ala.

_______________________________________________________

I DIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's
safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually
challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer
was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing
driving?!"
She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS

_______________________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear
coworker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often."
Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that
deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a brunch at Texas Instruments.

_______________________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her
power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't
understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office no less.

_______________________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an
automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had
been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched
from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and
discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it'sopen!"
To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi!

_______________________________________________________

*and they walk among us and REPRODUCE.


Golfers have to read the last one for sure.





Subject: 2005 Darwin awards



Darwin Awards are an annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the greatest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily
stupid way.

Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.


The nominees this year in reverse order are:

7. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply,
because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk.
Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the
fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house
down, killing both him and his sister.


6. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6' 2" tall and
weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and
white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to
create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to one end of a hollow tube approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end was inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward.



5. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when
another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.



4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70 foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground" Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."



3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a
friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The
friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized.



2. Employees in a medium sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.



AND? THE WINNER IS:

1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course.

Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism.

Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link.


Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was
plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housingof the washer, and the rotating machinery inside.

To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was using to balance himself with.


Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery... The remaining threesome were asked to leave the course.



NOTE: This last one wouldn't normally count, because the idiot didn't die.
But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of
stupidity, we have allowed it. ?


I just hope #6 does not give Sherlock any ideas!
 
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