The lighter side of life, laughter - Page 3 - Yamaha FJR Forum : Yamaha FJR Owners Forums
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post #21 of 35 (permalink) Old 10-08-2018, 03:15 AM Thread Starter
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A middle aged man went to see his doctor with a sore elbow, the doctor examined him and then ask him for a urine sample, the man asked why, the doctor replied, with the latest technology we can diagnose most problems with a urine test, but it must be a fresh, first one in the morning, so take this sample bottle home and come back tomorrow
A home the next day the thought he would have some fun with the doctor, so he asked his wife to give a sample, and his daughter did the same, gave his contribution, then decided to stroke the pink python into the bottle, walks out to the car, one last thought, popped the hood and pulled the dip stick, and wave it around in the bottle, and off he went. The doctor takes a look at the sample, with a bit of a doubtful look on his face poured the sample into the machine and turned it on. After a few minutes a printout came out and the doctor read the results.

According to this, the wife having an affair and got VD, your daughter's pregnant, the big ends on the Ford are worn out, and if you don't stop masterbating your elbow will never get better
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post #22 of 35 (permalink) Old 11-04-2018, 11:42 PM Thread Starter
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Joke, war time England, American soldier looking for a seat on the train he was travelling on, the only seat available was next to this woman with her little dog sitting on the seat, the soldier asked if he could use the seat, and for her to carry the little dog, she refused , most profusely, he walks off looking for a seat, having walked the length of the train he returned to the woman and asked politely to pick up her dog so he could sit down, she refused again most stubbornly, with that he picks up the dog and throws it out the window and sits down.
The gentleman sitting opposite lowered his paper and said, you Americans really puzzle me, you drive on the wrong side or the road, eat with the fork in the wrong hand, now you've gone and thrown the wrong bitch out the window.
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post #23 of 35 (permalink) Old 11-06-2018, 06:10 AM
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A duded-up city rider walks into a seedy tavern in Sturgis, SD. He sits at the bar and notices a grizzled old biker with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the newby rider bravely asks the old biker, 'If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?'

The old veteran of a thousand rides slowly turns his head toward the young pup and says, 'Nah, you go ahead.'

Eagerly, the guy wearing the shiny new leather fashions reaches over and slides the bowl into his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom of the bowl and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was very shocking and he immediately barfed up the chili back into the bowl.

The old biker quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too.'
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post #24 of 35 (permalink) Old 11-06-2018, 06:11 AM
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Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."

Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

Cowboy: "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."
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post #25 of 35 (permalink) Old 11-06-2018, 06:14 AM
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A wife comes home late at night, and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Hi Darling", he says. "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom.

Did you say 'hello'?"
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post #26 of 35 (permalink) Old 11-06-2018, 06:18 AM
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I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up-- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold.

The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope, and then received an education. The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED. The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer-- no Chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined. The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when ..... I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and slide off to then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head--almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.

It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp... I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope......to sort of even the odds!!

All these events are true so help me God...An Educated Farmer

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post #27 of 35 (permalink) Old 11-06-2018, 04:51 PM
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Heck of a story, Russ.... had me in stitches. I know people who have wrassled with a deer and it's surprising how strong they are when fueled by a little adrenaline.

Perhaps this is a good song for the occasion...........
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post #28 of 35 (permalink) Old 11-14-2018, 01:44 PM
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From my Jewish friend, she says," this is not meant to offend anybody, they're just funny."


Jewish Reasoning


A Jewish woman goes to see her Rabbi and asks, "Yankele and Yosele are both in love with me, who will be the lucky one?"
The wise old Rabbi answers, "Yankele will marry you. Yosele will be the lucky one."
__________________________________________________ _
If a married Jewish man is walking alone in a park and expresses an opinion without anybody hearing him, is he still wrong?
------------------------------------------------------------
My father said, "Marry a girl who has the same belief as the family." I said, "Dad, why would I marry a girl who thinks I'm a schmuck?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Jewish Marriage advice: "Don't marry a beautiful person. They may leave you. Of course, an ugly person may leave you too. But who cares?"
--------------------------------------------------------
The Italian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine."
The Frenchman says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have cognac."
The Russian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka."
The German says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer."
The Mexican says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have tequila."
The Jew says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes."

Russ
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post #29 of 35 (permalink) Old 11-14-2018, 01:45 PM
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I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next dump could spell disaster!
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post #30 of 35 (permalink) Old 11-14-2018, 01:46 PM
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A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers: "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds,

"Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1 you have to be single and #2 you must be a Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"

The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley." He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child." said the nun, "Why are you crying?"

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm a Baptist."

The nun says, "That's OK, I am on the way to a Halloween party, and my name is Kevin."

Russ
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